Facebook is like a jail
Q: Why is Facebook like Jail?
A: You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don’t really know!
Blonde Cop
This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
Pirate and Parrot
A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, “You shouldn’t be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal.”
The pirate says, “Arr, it’s ok, he’s had his shots.”
Then the bartender says, “I was talking to the parrot!”
Card Game
Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.
Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, “You did very good tonight. You didn’t need any help at all. Why is that?”
Gus replied, “Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven’t had any problems at all.”
“Memory school? What memory school?”
Gus thought for a moment, “Oh, what’s that flower that’s red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . ”
“A rose?” asked Red.
“Yeah, that’s it!” Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, “Hey, Rose! What’s the name of that memory school you sent me to?”
Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
“You just won’t believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Oh yes dear, what happened ?”
“I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.”
“Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?”
“Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”
Catching many fish
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, ” Only caught one, eh?”
Guard parrot
A postal carrier is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there’s a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. The mailman opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot’s perch, when suddenly, it calls out: “REX, ATTACK!”
A letter by a college student
A letter by a college student
The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter:
Dear Mom and Dad:
Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t!
But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don’t want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home.
Love
Your $on
After deliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response:
Dear Son:
NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing Noble.
Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left.
Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time.
Have to go NOw.
Mom & Dad
Three chimps from the zoo
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo… 1 was caught watching tv… another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message